I went to a
luncheon today which raised awareness about the increase in suicide rates in
our country. It got me thinking that this is a subject we should more openly
discuss in the body of Christ. For many,
it is the great topical taboo, the struggle that only affects the weak, the
unbalanced, or worse, the unspiritual.
But who among us has not been touched by this saddest of departures from
a loved one, a friend, or a co-worker?
Or perhaps, some, if not many of us, have even flirted with the notion,
if for a fleeting moment, that the world would be better off if “I just went
away”.
What often remains for
the survivors of those who end their own life is mere speculation. We are left with questions like “why” or “how
could I have missed this?” Often we’re left to imagine perhaps playing a role
in suicide prevention: “If only I had known of his/her pain, I might have...”
The popular
contemporary singer-songwriter Nicole Nordeman drew inspiration for her song Hold On from just such an experience in
her own life. She writes:
“We spend so much time talking about our search for God, our
journey, what we’re looking for, what we hope to find–and we give very little
thought to the notion that God is searching for us. He is in fierce pursuit.
And He’ll stop at nothing to find us.
I met a girl a couple of years ago. She drove me crazy. She was
intensely needy and did a really bad job at hiding her desperation. It wasn’t
attractive–it made me want to run and hide whenever she was around, which is
exactly what I did. She was hyper. She overcompensated socially. She was
exhausting. She was trying to reach out, and so I pulled back. Everyone around
her pulled back, because to give her an ounce of your attention was to be swallowed
whole. I normally consider myself to be a compassionate person, but I was
blinded by self-protection and self-love. We were on a tour together, so our
interaction was for a season. And when it ended, I breathed repeated sighs of
relief.
Not too long ago, I learned from another friend on that same tour
that she had taken her life.
Even now, it is very hard to keep typing because the guilt and
shame weigh down on me so heavily. She was reaching, reaching, reaching for
anything–anyone who might throw her a line. I never did. When I get to heaven,
the first thing I will do is ask God for directions to her house. I need her
forgiveness. I need to tell her how ugly my heart was.
Until then, this song will have to do. It is a love song for
anyone who feels like they can’t hang on. It is a last ditch plea for anyone
who is certain they’ve exhausted every option, and every avenue for happiness
and love.
It’s everything I wished I’d said and so I am saying now. God is
bigger. The voice that tells you that life is pointless and empty and that
everything good and beautiful will always stay just beyond your reach, is the
voice of the greatest liar that ever was. And he will keep on lying. And Jesus
will keep on loving you and reminding you that the only reason he ever suffered
and died and walked out of that tomb to offer you life, was because you are
worth it. You really are. We all are.”
Here are
the lyrics to her song. Hope it blesses
someone today. It has been life-giving
to this writer. tad
Hold On
Words and Music by Nicole Nordeman
It will find you at
the bottom of a bottle; it will find you at the needle’s end.
It will find you
when you beg and steal and borrow; it will follow you into a stranger’s bed.
It will find you
when they serve you with the papers;
it will find you when the locks have
changed again.
It will find you
when you’ve called in all your favors;
it will meet you at the bridge’s highest
ledge.
So baby, don’t look
down; it’s a long way. The sun will come around to a new day.
So hold on, love
will find you. Hold on, He’s right behind you now.
Just turn around
and love will find you.
It will find you
when the doctor’s head is shaking; it will find you in a boardroom, mostly
dead.
It will crawl into
the foxhole where you’re praying; it will curl up in your halfway empty bed.
So baby, don’t
believe that it’s over. Maybe you can’t see ‘round the corner.
So hold on, love
will find you. Hold on, He’s right behind you now.
Just turn around
and love will find you.
To hang between two
thieves in the darkness,
Love must believe
you are worth it.
You’re worth it.
So hold on, love
will find you. Hold on, He’s right behind you now.
Just turn around
He’s right behind you now.
Just turn around,
love will find you.
“Hold On” © 2005
BIRDWING MUSIC (ASCAP) and BIRDGOY MUSIC (ASCAP),
Admin. by EMI CMG
PUBLISHING, CCLI#128008
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